This article has been
sitting in the Documents section on my computer for some time now under the name À publier lorsqu'il est grand temps, or "To publish when it's about time" because French is posh, innit. But now, I think it is indeed the suitable time that you were able to read this.
Perhaps it’s easier if I start this post by getting to the point:
I'm gay; or in more complex terms, I would rather a relationship with a man over that with a woman.
I've been reading
something that is not only interesting but which specifically spoke to me. The term has
been called “Best Little Boy in the World", originally the title of
the autobiography of Andrew Tobias, published in 1973. It stipulates that
people who are gay but still in the closet try to make up for the shame that is brought by homosexuality by
aiming to achieve in everything else; education, sport, hobbies, in order to gain the respect of people due to the fear of rejection and isolation, and to deflect attention away from speculation of your sexuality. It's a way to say, "See, I'm a good person" on constant transmit.
The traits described are rather poignant to me because it
suddenly occurred to me that that’s what I have been doing for longer than I
can remember. I work constantly. I live to work; I get too little sleep and
then burn out on the weekends, spending them mainly in my dressing gown like an alcoholic on a day off. I just keep my head down and don't complain. I also find that the times when I get mild illnesses - colds, fevers, general
aches and pains, and nervous twitches - is when I am at my most stressed. I set myself tough goals and high standards,
and I get very upset or frustrated when I don’t satisfy them; one of those
goals was getting into either Oxford or Cambridge, one that I had my eyes fervently upon since the Fourth or Fifth Form. And it’s only now, after
having been told by those around me countless times to relax or to stop doing
what I was doing, that I realise that I should not be stressing myself to breaking point. It's why I am coming out: to take it easy.
Nevertheless, because I still like to not follow people's advice to the letter, I still have a range of goals to reach in the coming
years, as a sort-of checklist:
- To climb onto the career ladder at a respected institution.
- To live and/or have property in a “great city” like London, Paris, Berlin, New York etc.
- To know people who enjoy what I enjoy: debate, good wine, nice dinner parties, attending art exhibitions, and all that kind of metropolitan middle-class milling around.
- To be recognised for what I contribute to the world, and to become thus an influential figure on par with the other Great Minds of past and present.
But don't think that just because I work hard doesn't automatically mean I'm gay, because underneath all the layers, I was extremely busy denying something a personal trait. It may not be the most obvious, but it is relatively
important, ranking between eye colour and your automatic choice of drink (advertising has compelled me to say "Coke" almost as a reflex). I think of all those nights getting off to images and
thoughts of men before a tidal wave of guilt. I think of watching gay films, and pausing and replaying the
bits where they hold hands, and hug and kiss each other. I would be saying to myself, “I want that," but you can't buy relationships on Amazon or eBay because this isn't Black Mirror, and Charlie Brooker is not writing the script. I don’t know whether all of this is pathetic,
stupid or just plain sad; it is most likely a mixture of all three
Because ultimately, dear readers, being gay and being a teenager is just very hard. To deny this is to deny harsh reality. You can be given all the support by the people
around you, and yet there is always a part of you somewhere that says that what you are
and what you want is sordid, depraved, debauched and deviant. It goes
beyond the idea of not “fitting in”, because this is something that most likely
can’t be changed; I could lie about liking a band or a specific person because I know that fads, trends and people come and go. Sexuality is not a fad or a
trend – it’s permanent, which means to consciously lie about who I'm attracted to would be
consciously lying about it, permanently.
It is also hard because all the traditional teenage rites of
passage like having a relationship for the first time, or awkward sexual experiences leading to a lifetime of in-jokes among close friends; they are just off-limits when you're actually a teenager, and this will continue to be the case even if the gay rights movement gets stronger and the age at which people
come out continues to decrease. Why? Because gay people will always be in the
minority and thus it limits the pool of potential partners by about 90%. Instead, you have to wait until some time later if you do want to
start going to gay bars or until university or perhaps
even later in life for the eventual rumspringa to take place. At the same
time throughout your adolescence, the hormones and the energy normally used for
other things get used to work and commit that extra 10% in order to make up for the perceived shame, and back to the "Best Little Boy in the World" syndrome.
Ultimately, the fact that this is a post where I come out to
all those who seem to be interested in this blog is so that I can add a goal on the list, that embodiment of Narcissus himself. It's not too bold, and I do hope that it will not require any Machiavellian manoeuvres.
- To not be ashamed of declaring the kind of person with whom I wish to spend a significant amount of life.
The current Mayor of Berlin Klaus Wowereit said prior to being
elected in 2001, “Ich bin schwul und das ist auch gut so” – I am gay and that
is fine. I can only hope that you, dear friends and readers, agree.
