Perfecting the art of procrastination

1. Before sitting down to carry out your fruitful labours of remembering sections of text, feel an inevitable moment of doom.

2. Having sat down, open the book you wish to study, and read. *Ping*. But wait, let me just check my phone. 

-- 30 mins later, texting someone about your impending revision. --

3. Now, let's get to work, I need to get that A. But before all that hard labour, it's better to check the current affairs. Always good to check the news.

-- 2 hours later, having gone from a sensible BBC News article to a website about nuclear weapons via Facebook and Twitter. --

4. Oh yes, it's 12 o'clock, time for lunch. Have an enormous smorgasbord of various breads, meats, cheeses, salads, coffee, tea and other pleasantries. Use a cliché like "An army never marches on an empty stomach" in order to justify your terrible actions.

-- 1 hour of eating an amount of food equivalent to your body mass, then watching an hour of daytime TV that is usually a combination of houses being sold at auction, antiques being sold at auction, auction houses being sold at auction... --

5. Return to your position of study. You're tired and are suffering from meat sweats from gorging yourself on delicious protein. Take a nap so that you're refreshed later for all that revision that's piled upon your desk.

-- 4 hours later of blissful, undeserved mental relaxation--

6. Now, you are refreshed in mind and spirit. You are zen. You can truly get to work. But wait, You need some Polo mints to help you concentrate, and for that lovely minty breath.

--Out to shop wanting Polos, come back with Polos. And a bar of Dairy Milk. And some Jelly-Tots. And some crisps if I get really hungry. And a can of Coke in case I get thirsty. --

7. OK, you now have your necessary revisionary aids. Let's get to work. 

--1 hour later of 1/2 hour revision, plus 1/2 hour suffering from an intense sugar rush where the concentration rate is essentially nil. --

8. Oh, it's six o'clock all ready. Time for dinner, perhaps.

-- 20 minutes eating dinner, plus 40 minutes raiding the fridge for the yoghurts you like and making another cup of tea. --

9. Now, time for revision. But look, it's seven now, and the sun's starting to set. Plus, you've been told that you've been working so hard and that at the end, you're going to get great grades. May as well go downstairs for a bit

--Go downstairs and watch TV, or generally stare at a computer screen for four hours in despair of the sham of a life you're currently living. --

10. Wow, it's eleven already. 

--Continue browsing the internet etc. --

11. Gosh, is it really two in the morning? Do some revision in bed. Get that text book and look through it. Then you can say that you worked all day and night.

-- Read book for half an hour, fall asleep. --

12. Ten o'clock in the morning? Hrrumph.

(Go back to step 1; repeat 21 times until you're back to school, when you say how hard you revised, something confirmed by your parents.)

(P.S. I most certainly, at all, did not do some or any of these things during the school holidays. I always work hard, and regularly show it through my 100% committal to all my studies, at all times.)

(P.P.S.  I never lie.)